Bonobo Love

Monkey Gone To Heaven

2005-02-19T23:06:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

Please don't be sad. But get a pack of tissues anyway. Things are going to change around here.

You see, I've come to the realisation that two heads are better than one. Lets just see this proved via a quick list;

- Eric and Ernie
- Mills and Boon
- Fish and chips
- G & T
- Tango and Cash

.. to name a few of the great double acts that have existed and entertained miwyons of people the world over.

It is here, that we leave Bonobo Love as it stands. Its time for pastures new. Its time to do the proverbial one.

So, in conjunction with my lovely man Meester Crumb, we have decided to get married and have a baby, called The Mighty Love.

Its the new website where you can now get two for the price of one and enjoy all the usual twatty banter and inane chatter; but now from us both.

Fiends, nomads and countryhens, its been a blast.. Lets carry on this party with this new site...

From me, Mr. B, its goodnight now. I'm turning off the lights and not bothering to clean up. I know its all rather sudden, but its much better to fade out than burn some hay..*sniff*

See you all on the other side! ..We hope you enjoy it.

*breaks down in floods of big tears, shuts the door to the monkey house..*

B x.

Mordor Helpine: 0800 NEED A RING

2005-02-13T22:04:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I, along with my man with arms Meester Crumb have done something amazing.

We've achieved something that you lesser mortals would envy at and wish in your wildest dreams you could do yo'self.

We've taken that final step into a wider world and experienced the greater things in life, have trodden the unexplored paths which aren't paths really because no-ones really trodden them, shit bad sentence there..

We've run an emotional marathon, and ran to the end and said "Yes! Oh lord yes! We have made this our own conquest! Praise Be! Lordy lord!"

Why?

...On Saturday, myself, Crumb and my dad watched all 3 extended versions of The Lord Of The Rings back to back.

We started at 11am, finished around 12 midnight.

Bear in mind, during the watching of any films, people have to; go to the toilet, eat, drink, fuck up the DVD player so it won't show a picture (although this was just Crumbs fault), and go out to get chinese food.

All in all, it took bloody ages to watch. Remember, with these extended versions, each film is split into two DVD discs. Therefore when the first disc feels like you've been sat long enough to start feeling stubble when you'd only just shaved after putting it on, it does scare you somewhat to think "There are 5 more of these bad boys left.." .

However, watching all of them, exactly how they were meant to be shown has really opened up my eyes as to the true message of the films' purpose. Yes, it was always going to be difficult to put all of the points in the book across in the film, but by god, Peter Jackson has done a decent job here.

The summer before the first film came out, I made a point of reading "The Hobbit" and "The Lord Of The Rings" back to back, and really did go there and back again with Sam and Frodo, so I did understand the parts where the cinematic versions missed out on for one reason or another.

I really did feel as though I understood a hell of a lot more about the films after seeing the extended versions this time around.. Everything made sense and.. well, surprisingly, the last two films went by a lot quicker than the first one.

Crumb, my dad and myself survived the ordeal on a diet of diet coke, beer (naturally), carrots, celery, tomatoes, pork pies, sausage rolls, trifles, mango juice and, as I say, a bit of chow mein. We didn't starve I can assure you.

It was a trial, but one definitely worth doing. At the very very end it felt as though you'd watched one long bloody film. And it did feel satisfying, beleive me..

If you have the extended trilogy, watch them in this manner, please, you'll get a lot more out of it, plus, its a great excuse for staying at home and eating loads and drinking a bit too.

Eat drink and be merry or pippin..

(Insert another Lord of the Rings related jokes in comment box..)

Above: The One Ring, yesterday.
B x

Short Crap 9 day Holiday Post

2005-02-10T19:19:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

My half term starts from 3.30 tomorrow afternoon...and thank the lord for it.

Ladies and germs, it's quite clearly Miller time.

*sound of a party popper being let off one day early*

B x.

Very Enjoyable Night No. 478

2005-02-06T17:05:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I spent Friday night in my handy local pub with my brother in arms, Mr. Crumb. Firstly, the pub itself.. Anyone looking at it from the outside may look at it in disdain and not give it a second glance. No flashy signs, drinks promotions, the paintwork all over whitewashed with a simple red sign: The Brunswick. Could this pub be any good? Yes. Should you take my word for it? Hell yes. Read my lips.. Anyone worth their salt and who knows where its at; knows the cool crew inside out; is down with it; is '4 real ya'll'- knows that The Brunswick is the place to be.. ..Did I just say all that? Ah.

Perhaps I should retract some of those statements on the basis of their naffness. I'll then carry on telling you about this place without trying to big it up any further.. So you walk in through double doors into a lower level, down some stairs and into the main 'pub' area. Jukebox, DJ spot on your left, raised chairs and tables further on, a bar in the middle of the pub (Well- fancy that!) and more seats on the right. The back of the pub sports even more chairs, a pool table and a part time stage for occassional bands.

When I was a student in the late 90's in Gloucester, even though I lived on the opposite side of the city, I still went to this pub and treated it as my local. And now its only a stones throw away, which is just bloody maaarvellous. I loved it then and I love it now. Its nice to know that some things in life will always remain the way when you last left them.

This Friday night, Crumb had come up from Bristol for us to have a few bevvies together, chew the fat so to speak. Having stopped off at another wonderful pub that I'll have to take you to some other time whilst getting tanked on some 7% alcohol scrumpy cider (When in Rome..) we made our way back to the Brunswick. Got in, got drinks and noticed a band were all set up on the make shift stage.

This is what I love about this pub; its very cool without overtly trying to be cool. Whilst waiting for the live act to kick in, Crumb and I started talking about music. Now, we've been here before.. Crumb and I, a few months back were in the same pub and started talking about music. At the time we made a comment about the Stereophonic's 'Bartender & the thief', a fine piece of radio friendly rock. 5 mniutes later the bastard track was playing in the background.

This Friday night, we started discussing music again and soon enough, it began to play. As if some magical musical god was looking down at us and told us we could have our songs come true on the jukebox. (Alcohol has erased the memory of the particular song, Crumb noted it on his phone, but I couldn't tell you even if my life depended on it..)

But that wasn't the best of it.

The band came on. Drums. Guitar. Double bass. They were a mad jazz- shuffle- outfit from the Forest Of Dean, so they were very lively. The songs they played were ace, (I know that after a few King Lears any music sounds like it was recorded in heaven but these guys were good) Their agent (A very interesting man who seemed extremely keen to promote music of all kinds in the Gloucestershire area) was handing out promo CDs of them to which Crumb and I were keen to take home. They did a cover of 'Lovin' You' and 'I'm too Sexy'. It was hilarious.

And then we left, said goodbye to the band and left under the influence. The night had flown by, damnit! Once home, Crumb collapsed in a heap and stayed that way until 12 o'clock the next day whilst I stayed up as I usually do for a further 2 hours or so, restless.

I do so love Fridays.

Oh, and the band's name? PURE EVIL. Check them out;

Pure Evil- 'Mammy'

B x.

Anakin Speaks Out

2005-02-06T09:08:00.000Z

Hi, I'm Anakin Skywalker.

You may have heard of me in films such as "Star Wars: Episode 1- The Phantom Menace", "Star Wars: Episode 2- Attack of the Clones", "Babysitter Blues", "The Day the toaster broke", "Always 2" and most recently the as-yet- unreleased "Star Wars: Episode 3- Return of Old Seth".

The Emmerdale based storyline in the third film differs greatly from the thread of the previous two. However, my character, as you will see journeys through a dark and tempting path with Old Seth leading him on to his ultimate, terrifying destiny. Imagine sheep instead of droids and walking sticks for lightsabers. Thats the general feel of the story in this third installment.

I have every much enjoyed working with all of the Emmerdale crew during the last few months, and it has been a welcome change from acting on a 'blue- screen' set where I would have to have imagined where all of the fighting was taking place. Now, I just do my bit either in a pub or a field, working alongside proper actors and not some CGI creation I'll only see when the films released! Grr!

Here, based in the Woolpack, with a few pints of old stout with all of the other C- list actors, and the charms of the Yorskhire countryside its not surprising to see how I've left the call and lure of glitzy Hollywood behind me now. Now I feel really at home and have calmed down an awful lot, mostly because I'm pissed half the time! Cheers!

And they call it; puppy luuurve..

2005-02-03T18:13:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

*There he is...*

*Look!*

*He's coming!*

*FOOTSTEPS TRAIL OFF AMID GIRLY GIGGLES from down the corridor outside my room*

I open my door quickly, interupted from my lunchtime duty of blog stalking using the school network. There's no-one there.

Pah, it's HER again..

I have been told that a year 10 girl is kind of fond of me at the moment. Over the past few weeks other year 10's have been passing on comments on how much this girl likes me. Its now common knowledge this is the case.

Every now and then during break or lunch time I think I can see my door open just a tad and I see a glimpse of this besotted girl; but only a glimpse.

This lunchtime I was in another room, she tracked me down and came into the room only to go back out again. Again, I only saw a girly blur. When I walked to the door she had scarpered.

Aw... shy.

Then, last period today I had my year 10's again. They sat down, I began the lesson, and then noticed on my desk an envelope addressed to me in red writing. The envelope looked a bit grubby. I asked who had left it here and finally someone owned up to leaving it there on behalf of this girl.

Ohh no..

"Open it!" I heard. "What's she put in it?" were other comments.

I told the class to calm down and that it was none of their business. The lesson continued and soon ended.

After the din had died down I opened up the letter. Dread filled my stomach. She's confessed her love for me I thought. Unfortunately I was totally right.

A card with a pink bear on holding a card and a bottle of champagne, birds flying with hearts in their mouths. A love- fest on paper. Oh good..

Inside it read:

To Mr. Love

With hugs and kisses especially for you

From Girl XXXXXX

Happy valentine

I HEART you!

you have a nice bum!

Hmm. Worrying. I may have to use some sort of aversion therapy here. This HAS to and WILL stop!

I've told my head of department about it, even showed him the actual card, who in turn has told everyone else in my department. He said this sort of thing does happen and to just ignore it as best you can.

I then had a meeting after school with my head of department and other senior teaching staff. As I walked in they were all judging the quality of my rear. Bastards.

B x.

Tomorrow's Worlds' Ultimate Rival

2005-01-31T19:52:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

Look Around You is back on TV.

Thants.

B x.

Wait an age for the wage

2005-01-29T20:50:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I just got paid on Friday. Has anyone else been paid after what seemed like an eternity after xmas?

It feels very good indeed.

I've been seriously bloody shopping today. *smiles*

..Aaaahh...

B x.

Uninformed, Reactionary Parent Abuse!

2005-01-26T19:48:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

The kids are sent to try me, by god.. *Grits teeth*

So, there's this girl pupil of mine, lets call her Ramona Hitler. Her real name has been changed because quite frankly, Ramona is a galaxy of an improvement compared to her real life namesake.

On Monday, she pissed me off in my lesson, didn't listen, kept surfing the web while I was taking the lesson and generally being an idiot.

Now, I'm a teacher, right? (I shouldn't have to ask I know)..I want her to learn, to listen, ask questions and all that. But, she was quite happy to sit there and totally ignore my instructions to turn her screen off and listen.

So after the bell went for break time I asked her to stay back for a chat, to which she promptly walked straight past me and out the door.

I followed her down the corridor to find her waiting on some stairs, smiling wickedly.

"Ramona!" I shouted. She looked up, smiled at me and then ran down the stairs.

No gets away with this. No-one.

..Detention.

I found her at lunchtime in the playground and passed her the detention slip.

"This is yours" I said. "Take it home for your parents to sign."

She didn't take it. Instead she ran off with her friends. I wasn't going to chase after her, I'd look daft. Plus I can't run, I'm over 25.

Instead I handed the slip, along wth a few others to her Head of Year. He would then place the slips in the registers for the following morning, so that everyone down for a detention, including her, would get one.

This morning she came to my door and handed me back the note.

"I'm not coming." she said and showed me the back of her detention slip.

It read;

Mr Love

My daughter Ramona needed to go to the tiolet. Right away!

As she is a female!

Youe Got No Right to stop Her going to tiolet!

Mrs. Hitler
(Mother)

Well, Mrs. Hitler. Your girl certainly kept needing to go to the toilet quiet, infact she never had the decency to put her hand up at any point during the lesson to ask to go to the toilet, sorry, tiolet (I forgot you can't speel.)

You must ask her next time to put her hand up in future, thats what any other pupil in any other school on the planet would do.

Mind you, her needing the tiolet was probably the logical reason as to why I had no work produced from her for the entire lesson (Thats a whole hour honey pie) and will explain why she needed to surf on the internet right infront of me.

Yes. Surfing, needing the tiolet, waves, tiolets.

It makes sense now.

Also, thank you for pointing out that she is female, I can never tell these things and am glad a stinted lowly horse-like turd like yourself can offer me valuable insight on these matters.

...Sorry, I'm over-reacting here...

But I will take great offence if any parent beleives I am mistreating ANY of my pupils at ANY time. Especially pupils who are not taking the work seriously in the first place, that's just taking the piss.

And the parents of those kids know it to be so, because they were just like that when they were at school.

B x.

Texan Teacher Shortage in UK

2005-01-25T20:14:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

The job I'm in, well, it's funny.

Any other teachers out there must agree, nod in agreement, say "Yeah, I've been there", laugh and say "I know, I know" or just say "10-4 good buddy", if that teacher happened to hail from Texas, USA.

Texan teachers in the UK are rare (although this is not the rule, merely a common observaton).

You really are on the go all day. Nothing stops. From the moment you get in to school you find yourself preparing for any last minute details you forgot to iron out from yesterdays lesson preparations and plans (photocopying, copying files on the network- it all takes time)

Pupils stop and talk to you, staff talk to you, pupils ask you things, inane yet useful things which you must give a meaningful answer to, even if the answer you give is by no means the whole truth.

There's moving rooms after each bell. Remebering which lesson is next.

Talking a lot. Shouting a bit too. Yelling sometimes. (Thats just the staff -*arf!*)

You get a lot more aware of the time that you work through in the day. At lunchtime, hopefully the 40 minutes you get is your own, if your not on duty or helping out in computer club (By the way, thats helping some kids to print off essays etc.- not just geeky programmers, although by god, we get them too)

After school, clearing up, maybe a departmental meeting or AFTER school computer club. More lesson preparation. Then get home as quick as your tired worn out legs can carry you (However most teachers nowadays use cars or other automated transports to get home, which makes walking a virtual 'thing of the past').

I type this knackered, sick to death of looking at a computer screen. I hate computers...

..

..However, folks, its all good, believe me. I wouldn't change it for anything. I DO enjoy it, the whole shotting match. As they say, every day is different, and you just don't know whats going to happen; the fire alarm might go off, you might have to break up a fight or you might be talking to one of your forms parents over the phone to discuss their work.

Anything out of the ordinary on a daily basis is ok by me. It keeps me on my toes, doesn't make me feel completely comfortable and makes me a lot more aware of things going on around me. Sounds funny, but its a good thing.

*WHACK!*

..Who threw that!

B x.

Great Dream for SW Fans Everywhere

2005-01-22T10:20:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

I shall not beat around the bush. I have been known to do this in the past, and get arrested on charges of sexual harassment, so that's why I shall not do it again.

I am also, not going to skirt around the subject. Although skirts were also involved in the previous incident as described above.

Instead I am going to be honest. I love Star Wars, like so many others of you out there.

Come on, admit it, you do.

No.. you DO, just open up to the truth.

George Lucas is my spiritual father, and I love him for creating a wonderful cultural phenomena that has influenced societies across the globe in a thousand million different ways. It has left a stamp on our subconscious, ever since we first saw those yellow words running out into distant outer space amid a heart- stopping fanfare.. come on, hum it with me. Just recall to yourself;

How often do you pick up a flourescent strip light and make lightsaber noises?

How often have you fucked up sentences and then lapsed into Yoda? (Fucked Am I!)

Wished you were behind the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon?

Acted out the story with your friends when you were ickle.. were you Luke or Han or Leia? (I suppose it did really depend on your gender too..)

Used the force to grab your lightsaber buried in the snow just out of reach in order to free yourself from being forcefully hung upside down in a very hungry wampa snow beast's cave in order to escape?

..Ahem. Well, anyway thats neither here nor there. The point is I dreamt that I'd seen the next Star Wars film.

Now I haven't been sleeping at all well all week. Maybe it was the position I was sleeping in, the noise of the traffic and chavs outside at 2 in the morning or those 5 cups of coffees I had before bed.

Last night I slept like a baby log. And I woke up at 8.40am, which for me is like getting up at midday.

The dream was ace, an epic of gargantuan proportions and I didn't want it to end, but it did, and I woke up almost opening my eyes to the noise of a retracting lightsaber.

Ahhh.

*fsssssssssh!- A lightsaber, yesterday*

B x.

Good Charlotte

2005-01-19T16:56:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Charlotte Hatherley, the often overlooked guitarist and vocalist from once male dominated pop rock group Ash...

She's lovely isn't she?

Well, she's only gone and done a solo album... by herself! Apparently its been out a while, called "Grey Will Fade".

Sounds groovy, as does this very good video of her third single 'Bastardo' (By the way, I'm not getting paid to say this by her record company, honest).

It features not only the good lady Charlotte, but the additional talents of Simon Pegg, David Walliams, Julia Davies and Lucy Davis. I think even Lauren Laverne makes an appearance but we'll try to forget that. Also its directed by Edgar "Shaun of the Dead and Spaced to name two things wot I done" Wright.

Visually and aurally brill.

The video 'Bastardo'.

..And if you don't like that, or it's not your cup of tea, here's Pee Wee Herman and Grace Jones dancing with a globe with a big nose watching them.

*Sigh* ..Each to their own...

B x.

I cannot teach geography to shave my wife

2005-01-18T20:46:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

This week has been *gasp* non- stop. Much like any other week really.

The kids are all *gasp, phew* all hyped up after xmas, the weather does them no good at all because when its windy and cold it only gets them all wound up and they end up *intake of breath* causing utter mayhem in class.

Today I had to do cover lessons. I've not really done them before, infact, I'd go as far as to say I have never done them before.

Today I was put in charge ofcovering a Year 9 group after lunch, then a Year 11 group before hometime.

Now, usually, because I teach ICT, I am comfortable with fairly small class sizes, 25- 27 is the most I've had. I have taught much larger groups in other schools but at the one I'm at, I'm used to pretty intimate amounts of kids.

This geography group had at least half of Year 9 in it.

And I couldn't get them to log on (because there were no PCs)

I couldn't warn them that if they continued to talk I'd take them off the computers (Because there were no PCs)

And I had no idea what I was trying to teach them. Something about rainforests, sustainability and ice cream. It ended up with me shouting my pretty little face off to a crowd, nay a sea of noisy faces jabbering back at me.

A lot of mess was made after they had left, which paved the way for the year 11's. And they were meant to be getting on with coursework.

However, the coursework wasn't there. There was no coursework, indeed, no cover work set for them of any kind. Not even a crossword based on scree slopes or contintental drift. Sod all.

I tried to copy some random work for them, but the geography departments photocopier decided to die on me. This would NOT happen in the ICT department I said to myself whilst the year 11's carried on talking.

I ended up reading an old magazine to myself towards the end of the lesson, as they had nothing to do, and I couldn't think of what I was trying to do or how I would instigate any kind of work for them to be getting on with, with only 10 minutes before the end bell.

They left the geography block.

I realised I then had computer club after school for an hour. I rushed back to the ICT block, right the way over the other side of the school and hugged the nearest flat screen monitor.

"God I've missed you." I whispered to it, and if there were no pupils around I may well have shed a tear.

B x.

Don't make any plans...

2005-01-11T20:04:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Any New Years Resolutions yet?

Of course not, and why start now of all the times in the year...

You've had all of last year to sort out that gym membership, fix that hinge, paint that door, nail that bit of lino that keeps flicking up and tripping you at the most inopportune moments or even start eating shredded wheat again and watching that rude foreign film your friends told you to watch.

Why begin to torture yourself by setting up a list of perogatives to be dealt with, you're not going to attempt them! Heaven forbid you've actaully gone and created a Week By Week hitlist of jobs to do! Christ No!.. Step into my office.. watch the cat.

Ok. Rules. ..I don't think so. You'll never stick to them anyway. If you had seriously wanted to do them, if you were really that arsed about it, you would have done them by now.

Some things we have to do.

For example: "I'm hungry. I want food."

...Time passes...

"The state of hunger has increased over time and I am still hungry. I must eat."

...More time skips along the clock face...

"I am ravenous. I need food immediately or I will start gnawing on this kettle in front of me which is, by all accounts, made of metal and inedible for a humung bean like myself."

Now, before you started salty vinegaring your favourite Morphy Richards, you would have sorted out some type of sustainance way in advance. Of course you would. Same goes for breathing, blinking and in some extreme cases, walking. This type of proactive problem solving is prevalent in our everyday lives and affects many essential activites. These are our 'immediate tasks'. They're fine, we can do them without really giving them any real effort.

However, another area of our brain tells us there are other jobs out there, jobs that need to be done which do not contain themselves within the 'essential' realm of things to do. This is where the problems begin.

These are our 'peripheral tasks', and it is these tasks that rarely show themselves in real life. They lay dormant in the recesses of our minds, waiting to come into fruition one day, hoping you will spring up from your sofa and 'get on the case'.

Sadly, we never or seldom rarely do these tasks and they continually float around in the vacuum of our imagination. After New Year shoots past we decide it is time to polish off our peripheral tasks, give them a re-think, prioritise them into order of importance and get ready to work through them one by one. We make lists, stick them on fridges or pin them on our walls or just paint them on our cars, whichever works the best.

Before we know it, its February and we're already back on the sofa. Those tasks disappear, and we are left waiting and wanting and needing to know what to eat for tea the next evening.

By their very nature, peripheral tasks are constantly elusive and will rarely see the light of day. It is only through years of effort and training can we truly unlock these thoughts with ease. For the majority of us, we are stuck with only the idea of fixing the suacepan with the wonky lid or the idea of cleaning out that drawer that seems to collect tickets, money and tissues. If you really wanted to do it, you'd have done it by now.

As the proverb says: "Don't put off tomorrow, what you can't do anyway", or something like that.

B x.

p.s. You managed to read this blog, so at least that's one chore out the way. You obviously aren't affected by everything I've just been talking about. Shit.

2005 A.D. ..the millenium was 5 years ago baby...

2005-01-04T20:10:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

*whoosh*

What the hell was that?

Ah.. That'll be the christmas holidays, once again flying by faster than light itself. Christmas holidays in which I was ill for a second time in ONE month, would you believe it? And on christmas day of all bloody days. It was rough.

..Oh gawd it was my first day back at school today. I felt just like the kids.. I got up at 6, but this was from getting up at 5, wondering how my first day back would pan out like. I've been watching the hours count down for days until my alarm went off this morning. I've literally been watching the days go by and been very conscious of it. My time at the moment seems doubly precious to me.

I'd never really felt like this about going back to a job before. I really can't put my finger on it, but christmas for me wasn't the most satisfying of my career, what being ill a second time and only getting into the swing of things just before New Year, I've been felt somewhat cheated.

And what with all the horror and grief in the world at the moment, the whole affair got put to one side anyway. Theres never a right moment for anything like that to happen but unfortunately it did.

And thats the thing that made me feel all the more reluctant to come back to school. With all thats going on in the world, I do feel rather small and insignificant. This, however has always been the case anyway and its only now that I've noticed this bug's life view. And it made me think very existentialist thoughts on why we do what we do in our lives when things like this destroys families and levels settlements to unimaginable debris.

And I was thinking about all of this whilst ill, over the festive season. So I didn't dare drink anything incase I started to feel that the end was nigh.

Having said that, today was fine, the kids chirpy, the teachers slightly dazed including myself. It was, on a complete flipside of things, nice to be back.

Undecidedly awkward forever,

B x.

p.s. Happy New Year everybodies, lets hope its a good one...

Bonobo go in snow

2004-12-22T13:56:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I'm off now for a few days, up to Worcester, then down to a village outside Milton Keynes where the girl's parents live. Yes I'm spending xmas with the outlaws, should be good. At least it'll be warmer than my flat at the moment...

Anyway, to everyone, have a very merry xmas, and I'll see you all soon no doubt with no stories to tell before the new year...

Peace out, presents opened etc.

B x.

Feeling the cold!

2004-12-20T10:44:00.000Z

Consonant Reader,

Well, I got over my deadly flu. It turns out it wasn't that deadly at all, hence me writing this blog now. But I was in agony for a couple of days, and don't wish it on anyone.

Finished school on Friday, so have been taking it nice and steady so far. Been to see a few friends and family at the weekend, only to come back to Gloucester to find our boiler has packed up. The pipes have began leaking and the boiler just isn't working, so its freezing everywhere. Last night I slept with two socks on and three layers on top, my girlfriend slept with a beanie on to keep her head warm. Brr.

Anyway, christmas is coming if you hadn't noticed, so you're all going to get a little treat. I e-mailed Pencil (RIP) last year with this poem which he published on his now defunct blog. This year I'll just publish it on this here blog. Not original at all, but I love the poem, and if you havn't read it before, enjoy.

Its called 'Nicholas Was' by Neil Gaiman and I hope I've got permission to show this (Probably not but the respect is there!).

Keep warm, eat, drink and be Mary.

Nicholas Was…

Older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Artic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once a year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen in time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.
Ho.
Ho.

B x.

See what condition my condition is in..

2004-12-13T08:50:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I shiver and ache, from my head to my toes and all thats inbetween. The slightest movement is a labour, I am ultra tender and sensitive to pretty much anything; even going to the toilet has become a test of nerve as it feels like I'm pissing razor blades.

The glands in my throat has swollen on one side to the point where its a pain to turn my head without affecting it. I cannot swallow without a blinding flash of hurt throughout my neck.

My appetite has completely disappeared. In the last 2 days I've had half a boiled egg, two soldiers and a vanilla yogurt. To add insult, my taste has flown south also making the said items seem more like rubber, wet cardboard and chilled mud respectively.

Because it really hurts when I swallow, and by that I mean, I know if I have to swallow or not, I've not been sleeping at all well. I keep waking up each time I swallow, which is just horrible. I don't think I've slept deep or dreamt since Thursday night. The weekendwas a complete non- starter.

My girlfriend has been looking after me even though she's a bit ill herself.

*sobs*

BUT! Dry your eyes mate! At least I'm getting it before christmas eh? Aint that grand? Should be fine for New Year too.. If you're ill, get well soon too, its a shit. My hint: get ill as soon as possible so that your in tip top shape for the 25th onwards..

*Leaps up and sings 'Happy days are here again', knocks over the Beechams powders with dressing gown to start dancing in a cabaret style on the kitchen table*

(Crumb: Yes, I know I just mentioned the word 'Glands'..)

B x.

Wish fulfillment

2004-12-08T19:06:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Saw Disney's Aladdin the other night and it got me thinking..

1) I wish I was slightly more better off.

2) I wish everyone was nicer to each other, especially around this time of year.

3) I wish it was a week and a bit later so school was over.. that would be ace.

Just three wishes.. thats all.

B x.

Lovely words

2004-11-25T19:04:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

Mother.

Passion.

Liberty.

The british council recently had a nationwide vote to see which words are the UK's favourite. The ones listed above made it into the top ten amongst others, with Mother being the top most favourite word of all time. And why the hell not? Its where we all came from, its our point of origin, so why shouldn't we give it some respect?

Other words in the list included bubble, gazebo, peekaboo and fuselage. A few that didn't make it but that were contributed were kerfuffle and bedlam. Awww...

To see the whole list, visit the BBC link above...

Before I made this blog, I was obsessed with the word Bonobo. The word just sounded so awkward yet serious in the same light. I kept repeating it over and over and liked the way it sounded. Then, named the blinkin' site after it. Well, it just so happens that Love is in the top ten anyway... So I must be doing something right!

Now.. tell me your favourite words...

B x.

Ready, steady, cock.

2004-11-16T18:36:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I heard the other morning on the radio that Barry Cryer had once bought a packet of Anthony Worrall Thompson organic sausages from his local supermarket.

He read the back of the packet for cooking instructions and finally read at the bottom which read: Prick with a fork.

This made me giggle like Scooby Doo yesterday morning in the car on my merry way to work.

Above: A chef who favours pronged implements to cook with.

B x.

The Day We Went To Brighton (aka There and Back Again)

2004-11-14T19:54:00.000Z

Above: Brighton, 2 hours ago.

Consonant reader,

Leaving all thoughts of school, over priced anti- virus software and trying to get all of my work done before Sunday night, me and the Good Lady went down to Brighton for the weekend.

From Gloucester it took about 3 hours and a bit extra (fuel stops, wee stops, fuel and wee stops- do you get the picture?) before we made it to Hove and the Imperial Hotel, our place to kip for the evening. The reason for this sudden journey south? A wedding if you must know. And it was the type of wedding where you feel like you're going to be an insignificant peripheral guest, the one who spends all night sitting near the end of the reception table idly playing with your place name thats been specially printed with a fine watermark and emboss finish to it.

I haven't known the intended couple all that long, having been introduced via the aforementioned Lady earlier this year, but already I knew the whole ring a ding ding shindig was going to be a fine affair, as they were lovely friendly folks.

And their friends and family were equally friendly and lovely. I got on well with the groom's other brothers and father, talking mainly about music. Now, I felt very humbled to be invited to this wedding, because I hadn't known these two all that long and it was quite an intimate affair with only select acquaintances making themselves present to the soiree. So, I did feel quite honoured to be a part of it. Everyone who we didn't know welcomed us as well as the other 'unknown elements' much like oursevles with open arms (and hands loaded with glasses of wine).

The wedding was held in Brighton Pavillion, which was pretty impressive stuff, even if the fire alarm went off just before the service was meant to start (However the bride hadn't arrived then anyway..). After the wedding ceremony and a few kodak moments, we all stumbled in the bitter cold to the reception venue, The Hotel Du Vin.

Above: Brighton Pavillion, 1 hour ago just as dusk was setting.

Well, I was bowled over- what a lovely place to have a reception! I won't go into detail- only to say the meal was amazing, during which we both got to know other guests a lot better. Then finally the wedding party made their way upstairs to the billiard room, where all the men took it in turns to play pool to varying degrees of skill and sobriety. Cigars were smoked, the wine flowed. I even had a pop at playing pool. Now, I know I'm shit- no Ray Reardon- but the gods must have been looking down at me because I managed to win a game! (Yes, just one- I am shit- that was just luck...)

Just when I thought it couldn't get much better, who do I see in the bar but none other than monocle clad, psuedo- country gentleman and lisp affected celebrity Chris Eubank. Complete with his little leather bound handbag, he spent the next 45 minutes or so ordering drinks and texting others at the bar, on his own. Someone then told me (a local Brightonian) that he usually spends his nights touring bars on his own. Poor sod I thought. All that fame, yet here is, on his own. Then thoughts turned from fading boxers to ordering a taxi as time had run away with the evening.

And then back to the hotel for shut eye..

This morning was nice too- lovely weather (Our hotel was over priced and a little bit on the grotty side but thats another story entirely), and a walk from Hove to Brighton and back again, looking at the shops and even a remembrance day march in the centre of town.

We arrived back this afternoon (another bleedin' 3 hours later.. more fuel stops and one wee), both of us reflecting on the past 24 hours in the car, waxing bloody lyrical we were. We also started talking about how cool it would be to live there as well. The life, the culture, the whole atmosphere is so different to the norm.

But it is expensive.. looking at the house prices. I think I'd have to sell a testicle or donate my arse to science for us to be able to afford just a shed on the sea front.

Also the grass is always greener.. and things are never as they seem..

I'm glad I went away and met new people. I'm also glad I'm back in Gloucester because I know exactly what to expect, good or bad.

Above: Gloucester, 5 minutes ago (I used some floodlights to get the daylight effect here..)

B x.

IhateNortonwithapassion.

2004-11-13T08:21:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I hate Norton Internet Security with a passion. I bought it, installed it, and by god it did what it set out to do, but.. at ..the ..same.. time ..it slowed my ..pc.. down to the..pace.. of an old disabled snail.

I have since got rid of the offending program as I was sick of having to wait every 5 minutes for the pc to check through all of its files again and again which would freeze up all other activity on the computer. As you can imagine this became infuriating to the point of killing myself.

Before I did that however, I installed an equally effective anti- virus software for free. Now I have a Norton package going spare.

Anyone fancy slowing their pc down for a discount price? Tenner?

B x.

B.O.

2004-11-10T21:20:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

I joined my local gym on Saturday.

I had my induction on Sunday.

I ached on Monday. (Like the proverbial fucker)

I ached on Tuesday, but not as much.

Wednesday (Today), I went back to the gym and worked out like a steam train, getting very hot and tired in the provess. Is this natural I wonder?

Anyway, by the summer of 2005 A.D., my body will be honed and toned to god- like perfection. Millions will look at, and want to be me. I will be irresistable to all women, most men and other vertebrated mammals of no fixed species or identity.

...

*spots a squadron of pigs on the horizon*

B x.

The Wave Of Hate

2004-11-04T20:40:00.000Z

If you look up on the upper right hand corner of this blog, or indeed any blog done through www.blogger.com (thanks guys, you're the best) you'll notice a little icon that says "Next Blog".

I've been clicking on this icon for the past 20 minutes and found that every blog is either Canadian, American, Mexican or from the Middle East.

And just about all of them are having a real dig at this George Bush fella who won that erection the other day in New York. Every blog site was dedicated to poking his eyes out with asparagus tips and tanning his hide from here to Kingdom Come and then back to here again. They were all just saying how disappointed they were with the result of the election and how they will keep resisting another 4 years of shame which makes the US people look to the outside world look like a group of god fearing gun toting sonsabeaches.

Well, have you ever met the man? Never judge a president from his past 4 years in office, that was only a warm- up act. Everybody: "Look to the future now, he's only just beeegu-hu-huuunnn"

Above: America yesterday.

"Am I awake yet?"

2004-11-03T20:08:00.000Z

Consonant reader,

It seems that, in starting my job back in.. well, what seems like 7,000 years ago now (2 months really) I've had to get used to a different routine in my life.

No more getting up when I want to (Although I'm usually an early bird anyway, 8 o'clock constituting a lie-in) and lazing around the day. No way pardner! Now I have to get up at 6.30 to leave the house at 7, drive for 50 minutes on back roads narrowly missing farmers, tractors and more commonl, farmers driving tractors which can be a right royal bugger only to get into school at silly o'clock. By which time I've forgotten about breakfast or any kind of food because I'm trying to sort out every-bleedin-thing else..

Then I have lunch (when I have time to eat it) for half an hour because I'm doing computer club or duty around the school or tending to one of my form group because they have an upset tummy or something else so I have to phone their parents for the 43rd time that week.

And then half asleep I return home usually around 6 in the evening, a bit knackered but quietly satisfied.

Sure, its tiring. And at this time of year anything frigging thing is a pain in the ass. But I do like it, don't get me wrong. But sometimes, because I'm on the go so much, I mingle my words, don't think straight and start saying silly things. I said 'ploppy disk' the other day, and called a boy 'dad' at one point. I had a year 9 group and told them to be quiet by shouting 'Be quiet year 8' to which they all turned around to correct my one-year-out gaff.

I've been driving home in the dark, staring at the car in front of me whilst having a waking dream where the car infront looks like it was in a desert and I was a weird bird flying behind it. And looking at computer screens all day as I'm sure you all know makes your eyeballs turn into cracked glass.

I need more sleep. That week off just last week wasn't enough.

zz..zz

B x.

FUCKING CURED YA'LL!!

2004-10-28T18:34:00.000+01:00

These past few weeks.. well they've been murder on ol' Bonobo.

His PC infected with badness to a vegetative point of functioning leaving him with the sorry state of not being able to blog but being able to watch everyone else blog and blog and blog and blog and keep on blogging their merry little hearts out.

Bonobo on some days felt sad and needed a lift, other days the children really got to him, other days he was luaghs and all smiles but he simply could not express himself.

Well now fuckadoodle do I can!

My laptop was totally, TOTALLY fucked. Some viruses ate away at the very core of my hard drive and destroyed virtually all my programs.

I managed to salvage most of my important files but all of my picture and sound files have gone to digital heaven. Never mind.

The techies at work gave my laptop the makeover and now its souped up and ready to go, even have a double hard son of a bitch BASTARD internet protection on it.

Bring it on I say, and hello again, I've missed you all so terribly terribly much. Infact at some point I believe me and the Crumb will probably meet you as we've been discussing of late. Can't wait.

*presses enter with deep rooted satisfaction*

I am infected with badness

2004-10-10T14:36:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I am so sorry for not having blogged in three thousand years.

The problem here, see, is my godamn laptop. I didn't have any anit- virus or firewall on it and since using the dirty internet, its picked up a life threatening disease which has caused the desktop to completely go west and my programs to open up when they feel like it. My mouse arrow moves in the opposite direction to where I want it to go- in a word- fucked.

I'm taking the poorly PC to a doctors to see if something can be done. It may involve amputation or some long term physiotherapy, but it will be worth it so I can blog my head off in the future.

I'm blogging at the moment using my parents PC , so I may be quiet for some time unfortunately. I can comment on the computers at school but can't outwardly blog..

It is sad but I'll just have to live with it. The moral of this story is that, the internet is a dangerous place to visit and that you must always use protection when exploring the dark unknown areas of cyberspace.

By the way, what exactly has happened to Pencil's site? Sounds like an advert for QVC.

B x.

Fat American Actor Tries Hand At Being A Skinny Popstar From Sheffield (And Succeeds)

2004-09-30T21:11:00.000+01:00

Today I heard William Shatner singing a cover of 'Common People'.

Later I heard he's bringing an album out titled 'Has- Been' and its been produced by Ben Folds.

This is going on my xmas list all freakin' right!

Some people are destined to die a slow and painful death

2004-09-27T20:06:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I'm on my way back from school. The roads are busy. Queues, queues. Everyone just wants to get back home, switch the tv on, lie down and forget about the horrid day they just had.

I was getting that way, but still in a semi- cheerful mood. I drive up to a bus, which is indicating to pull out.

Why not, its a bus, and they deserve a break now and then. I leave a gap and let it pull out. The driver thanks me.

From behind, I suddenly hear the blare of a car horn. Its a prolonged blast. I look behind in the rear view mirror. A purple off road vehicle with what looks like a grey haired old battleaxe is giving me the two fingers sign.

I'm amazed.

Not only did I perform an act of kindness on the road to a fellow vehicle but I'm being.. punished for it.

Soon she starts givng me the 'wanker' sign too. I shrug, say "What the fuck?" alone in my car, turn around and flick the mighty two back at her.

We drive on. She, still beeping and a-waving all manner of filthy gestures, me gesturing back.

I have to turn left off the main road. She's beeping at me and I finally flip her the bird of prey.

"Go on, fuck off you impatient and confused lump of shit" I should have shouted, but instead I turned Radio 2 up a notch. She will not upset me, because I'm still trying to figure out the mystery voice with Johnny Walker.

People like that should be skinned alive, but with current human rights laws, it seems somehow illegal.

Well, I can dream..

B x.

Why oh why oh shitting WHY!

2004-09-22T20:39:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I've been waiting for ages for the original Star Wars trilogy to come out on DVD. Its been a long, long time in the making. George Lucas released his first Star Wars film in the 70's.

Decades later, and he has finally released the classic trio on lovely DVD-o-vision, released in the UK on the 20th of September (Monday).

Also next year he will release the last Star Wars film in the series "Revenge of the Sith".

Its all been well worth the wait.

But I can't buy it, because I've got too much fucking work to be getting on with!

I've been waiting for ages for the final Dark Tower book to be released. Its been a long, long time in the making. Stephen King, switching the horror genre for a more interesting fantasy led storyline and released his first "Dark Tower" book in the 70's.

Decades later, and he has finally released the final part of his epic 7 part series in hardback, released in the UK on the 20th of September (Monday).

It finally finishes off what has been for many as much of a labourious journey for the characters involved in the books themselves.

Its all been well worth the wait.

But I can't buy it, because I've got too much fucking work to be getting on with!

Cock, fuck and wanky bag straps, this sucks fat rats tits!

B x.

Nigel schedule

2004-09-19T00:43:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I've just heard XTC's "Making Plans for Nigel" 3 times in 24 hours by completely separate sources e.g. tape in car, radio 2 and an obsure local radio station.

Do these things just happen by chance or do I just plan them?

..Plus, who the fuck cares?

B x.

Last post?

2004-09-16T21:01:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Freak country- levelling, tyrannical uber- weather systems becoming commonplace..

The very heart of our fragile democracy compromised:

-First by Gotham city's finest vigilante dropping by on Buckingham 'Pal' and evading the first 'wave' of security who were busy reading the papers, probably..

-Then a bunch of builders (Ok I know they weren't builders but they fooled me)
barging in on the house of commons whilst all hell broke loose outside in a pit of confusion and bloodied truncheons..

Erm, excuse me ladies and germs, but is the end of the world looming ever nearer?

*What do you mean 'No you dopey shit', what does that mean??*

B x.

What I learnt last week

2004-09-13T20:53:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

School wasn't too bad last week. I thought it would be hard and shocking to the system but, no. Bit tired though.

I'm sure it will get a little bit more... tricky in due course. Until then its time to face the roses and smell the music whilst dancing in the streets of Riley.

I've already cinched a deal with my Year 8 band (Bonobo:"We could be the next Coldplay." Band: "Erm, fuck off, sir." Bonobo: "Ok!"), we'll be practicing tomorrow. Just look out for us in a town hall or back garden near you no time soon.

...Also found out another town on the way to work already had its own Mushroom Festival a few months' back.

...Bastards, leave me out of it why don'cha!

Fungally yours,

B x.

Comedy attempt with a child

2004-09-09T21:05:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I had a class of year 7's today. The new breed, the nervous many who moved on up to big school this week.

It was a reading session as they didn't have proper timetables sorted out. I took the register and had a few laughs with them.

One joke made me laugh on the inside but the poor little girl didn't share my frivolity.

Bonobo: Name?

Pupil (looks up from book, serious look): *name*

Bonobo: (Smiling) And can you tell me if you're here today?

Pupil: Yes. (Solemn face turns back down to book, far more interesting than sarcastic teacher)
...I'm such a dwad aren't I?

B x.

p.s. I drove through the village of Newent again today. Its not an Onion festival, but an Onion Fayre. I do apologise to all onionphiles out there. Whip me till I bleed, then whip me some more to teach me never to diss Onion celebrations again.

Bit shellfish

2004-09-05T19:22:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Today I drove through a village just south of Milton Keynes called Woburn.

The streets were packed with people, the roads clogged up with parked cars and there were loads of stalls set up in the village centre selling drinks and snacks.

The occasion? The Woburn Oyster Festival.

Of course, a village which is essentially landlocked and far from the sea celebrating the joys and pleasures of a bi-valve mollusc.

Like, you would have a festival set up for these things? Last month it was probably the Week of the Leek or the Two days of the absolute Honey Glazed Ham bender. Day of the Trout? 24 hours Salami People?

I drove through looking at all these poor, frightened oyster worshippers filling up the streets with complete disbelief.

I never knew the act of licking phlegm off a turtle's back could spark such a community into day long hedonsim.

B x

***Additional blurbings***

This is getting stupid.

First day back to school, set off from Gloucester to Hereford, didnt quite know the way and ended up going a longer route than needed.

On the way back this afternoon I went a different way which is a lot quicker. I drove through a village called Newent, which on September the 11th is proudly holding its annual Onion festival.

Onion festival?

Read or not to read??

2004-08-30T10:30:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I'm trying desperately to begin reading 'The DaVinci Code', but a little voice in the back of my head tells me to go and do something else each time I try and pick the book up.

To save a lot of words going past my eyes, could anyone tell me if its any good?

**Additional mumblings**

Just tried out the X-men quiz on Misfit's site (thank you so much), and I was made out to be 'Storm'.

Bloody 'Storm'. I am unimpressed.

...There you go super villains of this world and beyond, here's a cold front, temperatures ranging from 10 to 12 and patches of rain spreading from the west. Die scum!

You are Storm of the X-men!

You are strong and sweet at the same time you have
self control and have a very nurturing nature
about you. You make friends easily but keep
your enemies even closer.

Which of the X-men do you resemble most?
brought to you by Quizilla

B x.

I'll have to work soon, for fucks sake.

2004-08-29T19:22:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I haven't slept well in ages, well at least 5 nights worth of tossing and turning.

Me and the baby girl decided to have ourselves a little, oh- so- little camping break. The new flat is lovely and we've been busy sorting it out. But as the new term looms its ugly academic head ever nearer we thought it best to have one more blast before we have to become teachers full time.

I start back later than the girl does so I have an extra 5 days doing very little, but I'm sure I'll have things to do anyway, erecting shelves and positioning mirrors etc. the usual "I've got a drill and I'm not afraid to use it" mentality.

So, off we went waving goodbye to cheery Gloucester and up, up and away to North Wales. The aim: Camping on Anglesea. But we stopped off one night to stay at my dad's house just outside Mold, near Chester (I say near, 'near' as in within a radius of 50 miles.), where we had time to watch 'The Village' at Ellesmere Port cinema with my big and little sis. It's a great film if you've not seen it, but if you have seen it, its a great film.

Then the next day we were on our way to Anglesey, where we pitched up on the North side of the island in a place called Amlwch. (Pronounce it like 'AM-LOO- short strangling choking sound) It was a lovely campsite, quite busy if a little wet. The buy who owned it was lovely, and he showed us to where we had to pitch.

We went on a few walks the next day and then went to Bangor and got a lantern for the tent owing to the fact that the previous one decided to fuck up halfway through the evening leading to much distress to ourselves. Grr, bloody defective lanterns.

The following night was a complete and utter fucking nightmare. It was windy on the evening but through the night it turned into a gale and I woek up to find the tent walls touching my face. Touching my face for gods sake. The wind was bending the freaking tent.

We promptly left and made our way for my sisters pad in Liverpool. he car was a mess having shoved the tent in slap- dash style just to escape the dreading 100 mph gusts of Amlwch. Tensions were high.

Plus, it began raining, again. Fucking weather, bloody lanterns.

We got to Liverpool on Friday and immediately relaxed. My sis took us out to a Chinese buffet place where for a tenner you could eat as much Chinese food as you wanted. I held back because I thought I'd be a pig if I launched back to the buffet cart and took mountains of sweet chili pork and sweet and sour chicken and mountains of egg- fried rice. Alas, I later realised my girl had thought exactly the same repressed urge, and so we both had held back our true appetites for the sake of not looking like a couple of Jabbas in front of my sibling. God damn manners, lanterns and weather...

Liverpool had the Mathew Street party/ carnival thing happening all over the BHW, so it was good to see many weird and wonderful people out on Saturday. Very nice, lots of people, good vibes 'n' all. For those who don't know, Mathew Street was the place where dem dose Beatles did come from. I took a few pictures and had a few drinks but it was over before too long. Boo. Bloody time going too quickly, lanterns, weather.. Grr..

Now I'm back and I'm thinking of going back to school. The last few months (Turkey, Croatia, North Wales and camping etc..) are distant memories now. My girl is already feeling the strain as she starts before me, this week.

I'm getting a bit, mindful. This is my new job. I am responsible. I have to put all silliness behind me. I am a professional.

-HA!

B x.

Here's a little story about my car.

2004-08-23T11:43:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I'd parked my car just outside my flat yesterday. I kept checking on it because I had a feeling something was going to happen to it. For hours nothing did, it just stood there, on all four tyres, still.

Even when a gang of rowdy lads began to walk by, I went to the window and looked down. They were too busy playing with a football to try and abuse my car.

But I couldn't get this feeling of impending doom out of my head. I knew anytime soon, my car would be attacked by someone or something. But nothing happened all the time I was in the flat.

Later on, I had to drive into town. I went downstairs and opened the door to my flat, therefore looking at the car at eye level, and what did I see? A large dirty trail of seagull shit smeared all down the driver's window. On closer inspection it looked as though the poo had come from a cat, a dog or a dingo of some type. It wasn't your usuall white egg flecked with smatterings of black, this was all off- brown and had the texture of a old worn carpet. And it was HUGE, not just lengthways but widthways. The gull that did this needs to sort out what its eating, for my cars sake.

I haven't washed it off yet owing to being a bit lazy today and also from a warped sense of pride.

B x.

Naked movie

2004-08-18T14:00:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I have now relocated. I moved in to my new pad in Gloucester on Saturday making umpteen trips in an expensive hired van lifting weights/ furniture and boxes double my body weight. The added bonus of it being a very sunny day resulted in me losing a good 3 pounds in weight after burning/ sweating it off. I was extremely tired by the end of it let me tell you.

The day before the move I decided to shift all of my belongings in my house in Bristol into the downstairs lounge, so that it would all be ready to shift out into the van the next day. I had been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days and therefore was making a pretty nasty stink. I therefore decided to wash my clothes, so off they went and into the washing machine. It was then, after the door had shut and I'd turned it on, I realised all of my other clothes were up in Worcester, a clear 60 miles away. I couldn't jump in the car in the buff and drive all the way up there. I'd get funny looks.

So instead, for the rest of my day of packing up and boxing everything up and getting all my furntire nicely ready moving completely naked. I have to say I found it quite liberating, except sometimes when moving some wooden furniture with splintery bits, I was in danger of giving the pecker a little bit more wood than usual (God- how many penis/ wood jokes can you think up?) Obviously I drew all the curtains and locked the doors just incase somebody walked in, you know, just incase. My clothes were then hung up to dry on a clothes horse near the oven, which I turned on to full. 4 Hours later I had clothes on again and smelling like a godamned rose.

Moving is a testing time for anyone. Like getting married or having a kid it really does push the physical and mental boundaries somewhat. Its has to be done but its such a fucking pain.

However now I'm up in Gloucester. Its all over now. ..No, actually its not- curtains, shelves, more furniture are to follow, so me and the girl can start living and get settled before we start work in the month of September. I had broadband installed on Sunday but I don't have any wires to connect it to the PC so it'll have to wait a bit (I'm blogging up in Worcester at the mo). I suppose the worst thing is knowing that we have to do this all again in a years time in order to BUY instead of RENT.

Ohh faaackk..

B x.

Hypersensitive Car Situation

2004-08-10T08:28:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I was driving back from North Wales yesterday. It was raining hard and I was on a very bendy piece of road. I was listening to the radio and it was very loud, playing a band called Wilco. They're a good 'listening in the car' band, only because I have their album on tape and don't listen to tapes outside of the car.

Through the music I was began thinking about life, the universe and pretty much everything else. Rewinding and reviewing the past couple of days, weeks and months made me realise what I'd actually done so far in my life, the people I'd met and the places I'd been. I'd just been to see my dad and his family nd before that I'd visited my friend in Colwyn Bay. This resort on the North Wales coast is now full of smackheads so I'm told. When I grew up there things were possibly a little different (I was never want to try any smack as a child anyhow). Anyhow, on this visit I met a few faces I hadn't seen since school. In the pubs mainly, working behind the bar, sitting down and doing pub quizzes or just there drinking. I spoke to a couple, and realised there was fuck all to say to each other. Our lives had missed each others and were off on a completely different direction. It was very strange looking at these people who, the last time I had seen them, wore school uniforms and were less bald (I can talk) and less fat (That too). Sobering.

I then began thinking about the state of the many different people in my life today, and for some I was glad and happy. For others, those who I believed to be in a sort of dire straits, I began to worry and hoped they could do something about their lives even though they couldn't see their problems themselves. I recognised this in some part having been there before, but also I saw it as a great unknown, a problem they must deal with to which I don't have any kind of an answer or advice to give.

I also began worrying for myself and thought of the things to come. Suddenly every thought became a kind of magnified study into someones soul- hopes, dreams yada yada. I somehow, inside that claustrophic atmosphere, became aware of things going on. Also, it was getting a bit hot in the car, having turned on the heater to de-mist the windscreen.

Before I knew what was happening I nearly cried. I'm sure my eyes began to well up, but I didn't let the damn burst. Everything had come to a big emotional bottleneck. Why? Why now? I'm driving for god's sake!

The moment fell away and, in order to make myself better I opened the windows and got a blast of icy rain and turned Wilco up. This made me forget about my little episode and got me rallying again. Then I drove for the next 3 hours without a care in the world.

What happened there then? Paranoia? Meloncholy? I've no idea myself but it made me feel awfully.. weird.

B x.

The Music/ Volume/ Atmosphere Ratio Laws

2004-08-04T09:45:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Law No.1-

When in a pub you will notice that the earlier on in the night, when you are at your most soberest and therefore not entirely up with any form of dutch courage or urge to place urinal disinfectants in your mouth, the surrounding music in at a pretty much low level.

This is proportionate to the amount of people within the bar.

You are, however, comfortable in this pub.

You have invited a friend who you haven't spoke to in any great depth for the past 2 years and wish to 'chew yon fat' as they say. Therefore a pub like this is going to be just up your street. Quiet, not too busy and have background music which can either be pleasant (Musak) or some classic songs that you remember (Cor, remember this?)

Therefore we can conclude that the earlier you get in the evening, the quiter, less busy and more pleasant the whole pub experience can be- you can talk with your friends at a normal conversational volume level.

E= Early
V= Volume
F= Friends

E= V/F(2)

Law No.2-

Whats this? A hen party has just graced us with their presence. Shifting uncomfortably you try to carry on the nostalgic conflab you were discussing with your long lost friend. The units of alcohol you have imbibed are now present in your bloodsteam. You head is getting warmer, your legs are getting looser as is your tongue.

Here we notice the music has also changed. From the kind of music listed above to straightout Popular Music. Some songs are good, songs you've heard on the radio or by way of a friends burned CD. Some, however, you grimly conclude are the auio version of wank. Its bad news for some.

At this point, we see that some nameless, faceless spectre at the back of the pub has also TURNED the speakers up. Reasons for this will remain unclear at this point. However, its probably a good thing because that hen party are really getting rowdy! Time for another drink.

Therefore a change in musical style (MS) has induced a feeling of awkwardness in the conversation (CO) and could be rectified if only for the hen party (HP).

What we see is a simple arrangement of CO= MS - HP, however, DO remember that HP is a variable whereas CO and MS are fixed.

Law No.3-

The conversation is beginning to get into full swing now. You thought tonight would be a dry dialogue of the old times but you have later revelaed you both have an infinite world of common factors to discuss. This should go well. But wait.

Look to your left. Thats right. The pub is now full. When did this happen? you ask yourself and each other.

Now lets return to that spectre somewhere in a corner of the pub. The music, although mildly tolerable is about to get a whole world of worse. The tracks have been changed and now a music form is played which empties yours and everyone else souls of joy, happiness and whatever else made you think that life was a wonderful warm happy thing.

This torrent of desolation is also TURNED up once again. Through this we find that the conversation you were building up has now been shattered. You cannot hold any type of talk without the need to either burst your vocal cords, use sign language or semaphore.

The noise is intense, as, mixed with the background music we now have an incessant amount of chatter from all concerned. And yes, that hen party is still here getting more and more silly.

You look at your friend across the table, smile, look around, smile again and try to think of any way you could discuss anything else under these terrible conditions.

however, you cannot. And the final insult arrives in the form of the lights being TURNED down/ off, whichever adds to even more hellish confusion in tonights proceedings.

Now the music, the strange desperate tunes recorded somewhere in the 7th circle of hell is getting mixed with other equally yucky tunes. These, clearly are not crucial tunes. These are not golden oldies, classics or the mad notes. These songs could be used in warfare.

Time to go, if we can find the door in the dark, through the crowds.

Maybe you will carry on your conversation outside in the cold. Lets face it, its an alternative.

Therefore the crowds have doubled in size within the pub every 5 minutes. You have been at the pub for 2 and a half hours. You drank 4 pints and smoked only 3 fags. The music has increased in volume and annoyance every hour. How long until your ears begin to bleed? Or you beg for forgiveness?

B x.

The littlest Bonobo

2004-07-30T09:16:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

"There's a voice, keeps on calling me.." and to combat this annoying internal narrative, I take a horse- load of valium and come up smiling on Tuesday. This drug taking instantly gets rid of those pesky whispers at the back of my hed and puts me in good stead for the rest of the week.

Almost as quickly as I came back from holiday, I'm off again, over to see Crumb tonight (We haven't seen each other since the last ice age) to chew the fat of many a long day and perhaps wash the evening down with a bottle of wine and maybe another bottle of wine, and we may even watch 'One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing' as we are fond of doing at around 2 in the morning.

Then Saturday sees me tidying up my Bristol property, dusting, hoovering, washing and cleaning the godamned bathroom.

I haven't touched that god foreskin place since I moved in. That was 3 years ago. Things have moved on. Things have grown. Things have gone brown. Things have gone green. Things have been left to go very, very godmaned bad in that room. I'm going to have to face my worst fears and actually clean it this time(Either that or call in two priests of whom the power of christ can compel them). All in all its one yucky job.

Then for the next week I'm off to North Wales to catch up with my mate Nev in Colwyn Bay (Also known as 'The Pit of Desolation and Purgatory for All Humankind'- but most people use 'Colwyn Bay') and then on to a place called Mold, near Chester. This is the abode of my daddio. Everytime I mention to friends that my dad lives in Mold, you wouldn't believe some of the comic responses I get! (Mainly related to the confusion of the words Mould/Mold)

After this I'm up to York for a few days next weekend (7th/8th) and then moseying back to focus on moving. One day I'll slow down, but right now, I got to get my motor runn-ing... and get out on that hagh-wheeyy...

B x.

Gloucester: The Sequel

2004-07-28T15:55:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Yesterday, myself and the lady girlfriend went to visit the vale of Gloucester. I came down from Worcester and she, up from Bath. Our mission? To find lodgings together.

As avid fans would no doubt be aware I left the vibrant city of Bristol back in February to move back up to Worcester to finish my course, and now find myself caught between 2 or 3 different places to stay at the moment- Bristol, Bath and Worcester.

However as my girl has got her teaching job about 20 miles northish of Bath, and myself in Hereford, the city of Gloucester is almost completely equi-distant between the two areas. Long term aim here is to look to buy a house together, but before we go into the Eternal Chains of Mortgage (Does 'mortgage' mean something to do with death? I'm sure I heard one time in the past talk of how it meant a debt than ran with you until you died. There's a chilling thought), we must fight the Ever- flowing Rivers of Rent. So yesterday we arranged ourselves viewings on a number of different properties throughout Gloucester.

Now I studied in this fair city a while back over a period of 2 years. I have to say, as a student I found it depressing at times and really was glad to see the back of it. I'm sure I vowed if ever I did go back I would have to kill myself or at least give myself a chinese burn (OOOYAH!). Well thankfully I'm still here, so I obviously didn't top meself. Instead we were taken around a great many different properties, some nice, some absolutely buggering horrible places I thought only existed in nightmares and in the minds of the insane.

There was one place we viewed which I knew would be good. It would be good only for the fact that it had a knee tapping, rip roaring, thigh slapping, kick startin', god- pounding, cool tastin', son of a bitch- don't I love it, yes I do I do I DO lovely pub nearby.

This pub, although extremely pedestrian to look at outside and probably inside, is one of my favourite pubs in de vurld. I've had many a good time in there, I nearly got into a fight there, I've fainted and had a plan to set fire to the carpet by spraying the word POPSCENE onto the floor in lighter fluid. (Not surprisingly that genius plan never came to fruition, as I was drunk. Drunk in a pub, who'd have thunk it?) This pub got me through the depressing times in Gloucester, it served as a kind of community centre to go of a night and spend a whole £1 on a pint of Strongbow or Hofmeister (Happy Hour Saturday 8-10.)

The place to be viewed was a second floor flat (As in ground, first and second ok?), which looked very nice, lots of room and much better than the other flats we'd seen around. This place is in the centre, near a park (Just over the road) and wooden floorboards so if I spill any Raspberry slush puppie, all I need do is wipe it up! Better than carpets if ya renting!

Plus its a gnats cock away from the pub I was on about! Heaven! We took the place then and there(Well we weighed up the pros and cons, then I mentioned the pub and that was that, jobs a good 'un) and now we move in mid- August, which will demand a few mad days sorting out everything move- wise. Oh it'll be fun fun fun...

Also the flat is even nearer, say a good gnats pubic hair to.. Cromwell Street. Which leads to the awful joke of why Fred West used to go into the nearby pub. When asked what he'd have he'd reply that he could murder a few tenants...

Well murderer jokes aside I'm looking forward to the move. The lady and I (the tramp) had a walk around Gloucester after we'd sealed the deal, and it dawned on me that, yeah, Gloucester ain't half bad REALLY. Everything's there that you need and you're only an hour away from Bristol, Cardiff or Birmingham and thankfully, miles away from Norwich *shudder*.

They say 'Never go back', whereas now I would probably say 'Dogs cocks to that proverb'.

B x.

Right here and now!

2004-07-26T12:19:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Glad to be back in the UK I tell ya. A part of me feels like the rest of the world is moving on at a quicker pace than usual when I'm away from the World of Blog.

The holiday was a complete success in seriously fucking up my sinuses and getting my skin the shade of murky coffee. No, honestly I loved it. It was strictly a family affair with mum, dad and sis all together for one last blast before.. well the next one I suppose. Croatia is lovely and I sincerely hope you go one day in the future. I spent time on the island of Korcula towards the south- east coast but there's obviously more to see and do in Croatia than just that. Well, theres always next time..

I spent most of my days in the sea. This involved a great deal of snorkeling and for a good half of the holiday as you've read, I was involved in a scuba course which was pretty ruddy awesome. I'm looking forward to having a dive here in the UK waters, although I've been told the visibility of the sea will be considerably less than crystal clear around the UK waters. Infact, I may well only see the occasional 'mersey trouts' swim past my mask.

Scuba diving can play complete havoc with your sinuses as I've just moaned about, but at one point in the holiday I suffered to the extreme. One long hot day, something in my head just snapped and I felt as if someone had plugged my head into the mains. I had to cradle my head to shield the pain which was just literally pumping around the back of my head. This was worse than a migraine I assure you. I couldn't speak to anyone only mustering a meek little whisper to communicate with anybody. And I had to keep reminding myself to breath over all the searing pain. Apparently this was a common thing in divers, especially those who go down to depth and who have sinus problems. Add to the problem the fact that I had drunk very little water in the past few days, it led to serious results. The headache lasted for a whole day, all through the night too. Owww...

But I did catch up on some book reading. I got through 'The Crow Road', then onto 'The Talisman' and finally onto 'Black House', at least I didn't get caught short and find there was nothing to read on holiday as per Turkey but at the same time, I did over- compensate with the books. I didn't need to bring them all really.

And now the holiday is over and its back to being Bonobo. Lots to do now, moving my stuff around, finding somewhere to rest my head (I'm semi- homeless- but in a nice way) and generally earn some pounds for a few weeks whilst at the same time try and get round to seeing everyone I haven't seen in a good millenia. Its all go.

B x.

Live from Croatia

2004-07-19T08:40:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I'm sitting down in the tourist information centre on the island of Korćula in front of a PC and the monitor is swaying from side to side. I am, to all intents and purposes suffering from either dehydration or motion sickness. I think its probably a mixture of the two.

I'm having a lovely old time here in Croatia and just found the means to compose a blog at an internet point this morning. The weather is sunny most of the time but you can get days where its a bit windy but I'm not complaining!

The reason I'm suffering from the above symptoms is because for the past 5 days I've been undertaking a pretty intensive scuba diving course! At the end of this I'll be a qualified diver! How mad is that! I'm doing it with a BSAC (British Sub-Aqua Club) school near my hotel with a couple who began their trade in Potsmouth and then moved out here! Had to do exams and go to lectures- dodn't feel like a holiday for a while but I passed them ok. Had to learn a lot of emergency procedures underwater- rescue, giving spare air to someone- all of which are important when you'e underneath the briny blue.

But scuba diving is the prawn's crackers! I love it! Yesterday I went under to 12.6 metres (You must reach 20 to become a diver proper)- seen schools of fish of all weird and wonderful shapes and sizes, octopus and oddly, a load of cow bones. So amidst this, I've had little time to relax yet! I'll be back on Saturday and hopefully will have found time to unwind and read all those books I harped on about (I did finish The Crow Road- crackin'), until then I'm off for another dive or five...

See you back in the UK very soon (I miss bacon sandwiches)...

B x.

A few words before I fuck off again...

2004-07-10T19:12:00.000+01:00

The Official Croatic Flag - This is the flag of the country I'll be visiting. I'm only borrowing it for a bit...

Consonant reader,

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Wise words Mr. Bueller and how apt they are for my good self at the moment. On Friday I worked my final day at the school I will eventually call 'home'. I left a week early in order to jet off to Croatia on Sunday morning (Getting up at 4am!) so I said my goodbyes to all the staff, the kids were pretty tearful and they'll probably not get over it until I return in the Autumn.

Hyah, reet.

Then I jetted down to Bath to see the girl for the night and then this morning flew back up to pack for the holiday. Over the past couple of days, there have been times when I have thought of ideas thinking 'that would make a great blog entry', but failed to write it down and so subsequently this is a very normal blog with little in the way of originality or interest.

However, last night I did go out with the girl and I finally had a drink in an English pub, the first one for a good 2 months I think. In one particular pub I ordered a 'Ladyboy' ala Alan Partirdge, which was a drink or rather an assortment of drinks consisting of Baileys, a G + T and a pint of lager. 'Ooo ladyboys' I said, whilst drunk.

Another nugget of goodness came from a conversation with
Pencil, where we devised an alternative cuss to 'Jesus Christ', as it can be seen as heresy sometimes, with, instead the culinary- exclamation of 'Cheese on rice'. Apart from that, as I say very little has happened.

I am to be away now for 2 whole weeks again, this time with plenty to read whilst soaking up the sun (if there is any, I'm told we're due for thunderstorms.. shit). It'll be a larf anyway...

Anyway, hope you all take care of each other and don't do anything stupid, like:

-Fall out of a moving bus
-Start a fight with a heavyweight boxer
-Commit a crime of any nature (fraud, murder etc.)
-Get your hand caught in a vehicle door (cars, mini vans etc.)
-Get burgled and then find out your insurance lapsed last week
-Whilst on a moving bus catch your hand in the door and blame the nearest available person who happens to be a heavyweight boxer which results in you starting a fight with said boxer whilst in the knowledge you've been burgled that morning and your on your way to the insurance company in town to sort it out then accidentally kill the boxer and fall out of the bus.

Any of the above (or any related events), try to avoid like the plaque. Till then, peace out moi luvvers, and I'll leave you now with a long facking pause.

Uncle Travelling B x.

I need medication for my sleep deprivation

2004-07-08T17:56:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

No, please stop me if you've heard this one before... But have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic amnesiac?

He stayed awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

Haw haw boom-boom! ..But joking aside and seriousness dragged into play for a sweet second, I've not been sleeping well. This whole week so far has been a bad one for me. I lie down at a reasonable time and try to get off to sleep. For about half an hour, my body is tricked into thinking its going to sleep. My eyes shut then open again as I pull the covers off because I instantly get too hot. My eyes shut again and I then breathe in and out a little deeper.

I might start to think about the days events, might reflect on any things that may be on my mind, things I'm worried about, things I'd wish I could remember or things I'd rather forget, things I love and things I want to stand well clear of. In this mess of thoughts I seem to think this is the soft dreamy corridor that I'll glide down to entice me into a deeply delicious and sumptuous movie-star sleep, the like of which Sleeping Beauty never had.

And then BOOF! I'm wide awake again! Something inside snaps and I'm out of the dream- world and back into the realm of night. I begin to panic because I start to think of all those people who all around the country, went to bed after me, then went to bed themselves and who are now FAST ASLEEP! Oh god! I've been left behind! Again! I bolt upright, mutter some random comment to the opposite wall ("..Wha' yu lookin' a' yu stoopid blurdy.. wall...") and lie back down again.

My sleep then takes a good 3 hours or so to reach its final short lived conclusion letting me get up at around 5.30 which I usually do without the help of a frigging alarm clock.

At school, I find this impinges greatly on my work. When I ask for a pupil to give their answer, they will answer me. As they are doing so, and talking back to me, I will begin to yawn as if I didn't really give a shit what they were saying to me. Also just when people talk to me in the staffroom I can't help but yawn. Its not because they're boring! I'm just physically depleted of any va-va-voom, and it shows...

What the sweet lordy fuck is-a-going-on-here? I need to put my finger on whatever it is I'm concerned about, but it could be anything.. I mean, I'm off to Croatia on Sunday, maybe its that?

Maybe I've got Croat- related anxiousness all over me?
Maybe I'm secretly fearing this holiday but won't admit it.
Maybe its the food I'm eating?
Well, no. I've been eating nothing odd in the past few weeks, you know like Roast Wolf or Baked Penguin.

I don't know. I just haven't a clue..

Any advice would be sweet, as I am obviously being troubled by some unseen phantom menace and therefore I need a new hope here people.

B x

Unenthusiastic card games and the circle of life

2004-07-05T18:27:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

My sister came down to visit over the weekend, along with my girlfriend, my brother and his girlfriend and my grandma. Along with my mum and dad, it was a busy affair.

On the Saturday we all met up in the day, had a massive chat and then watched the Wimbledon Ladies Singles final, which really was a smashing bit of tennis I must say. Afterwards we all went out to a Chinese restaurant, and would you believe it, we all ate chinese food too.

When we got home, my girlfriend went to bed because she'd had a very hectic week doing supply work and also she's a bit of a lightweight too (!). So the rest of us minus Grandma too, (who had also flaked) were sitting twiddling our thumbs in the lounge. It is tradition at this point, in any family gathering in our household to have a game of Twizzle.

You may have heard of it under a different name and the rules may be slightly different. It is much like Uno if you've ever played that, but this is played with real cards and I think is a lot more fun. The rules vary from place to place but essentially:

- You start off with 7 cards and have to get rid of them all to win
- You lay your cards in the middle of the table and follow either suit or number
- The no.8 of any suit skips a go
- The king reverses direction
- 2's and 3's means you have to pick up 2 or 3 cards unless you have a 2 or 3 to also pass on

Thats the card game in a nutshell. Its great fun and you have to do the whole thing really quick otherwise you get 'twizzled' which means you have to pick up more cards.

Now, I was at Uni many moons ago and attempted to introduce this Non- Playstation high brain- concentrate group participating activity to my mates, most notably Crumb and Worzel, who in the course of a few minutes, totally panned me for trying to explain this ace game. It fell flat on its face I must admit and I couldn't raise the same kind of excitement as I could when playing it at home. The lads were unimpressed and sat there, gawping.

"But everybody loves twizzle." I pleaded.

Now, if ever I try to introduce any concept which I think might be a good idea, and it could be anything, I get a load of verbal, most notably in the form of, "Yeah Bonobo, everybody loves.. INSERT CONCEPT HERE". Bastards!

Anyway, crap card games aside, I got chatting to my sister soon after the meal and she began talking about her boyfriend's best mate, who had studied to be teacher and who had just finished his first year as a teacher.

Well, he only happened to be teaching in the same area of the world I am teaching at the moment. And apparently, this chap said he knew a girl who works at the school I'm at, who had been on the same teaching course as him.

And the person is only the same teacher who I take the register for each morning!

I mean, you couldn't plan that in a million years could you? Amazing, just pure chance, yet there is a cyclic connection in so much as I know my sister, she knows her boyfriend, he knows this guy, who knows this other teacher who met me because I take her form register! Weird or what?

I'm sure we all know pretty much everybody else simply by a few other people in between...

(Twilight Zone intro music kicks in..)

B x.

Weak week

2004-07-02T14:16:00.000+01:00

Consonant Reader,

Ah.

There's me making a big old song and dance at the start of the week of how great it is to be back at work and how I can't wait to start earning and how I really want to get back into the swing of things, and here I am, at home, feeling ill.

I won't go into too much graphic detail about what was wrong with me, lets just say it would be a shame if Dire Straits and Chris Rea ever did play together... I had to phone the school and tell them that on my first week back out of two in total, I was ill. 'm sure it hasn't gone down well, but what can you do?

I've spent most of the day both yesterday and today sorting out little 'admin' type stuff which is always satisfying to finally put an end matters and to tie up loose ends in your life. Yesterday I watched 'Attack of the Clones', 'Al Murray: The Pub Landlord' and 'Tron' (which Crumb bought me for my berfday).

You see the problem is my body is slowing down to early. It got too used to some time off and has given up being the great immune system it once was. It still thinks I'm on holiday, which I suppose I soon will be. *yawn* But it doesn't change the fact that I'm achy, tired, have a permanent weird taste in my mouth, dodgy tum, feeling lethargic toward anything.. no... energy.. *yaaawwwn* want.. to

..sle
ee..
eep... foreverrrr...

*thwump!*

B x. zz z zz z z z zz

Has Hans done an Elvis?

2004-06-29T20:12:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I hope I'm not the only one here to voice my concern about Hans.

He's not blogged in ages. I'm thinking the worst, I hope he's ok.

Hans, if yer out there, throw us a frickin' bone!

B x.

Wouldn't you believe it, it's just my luck! -NO RECESS!

2004-06-28T20:22:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Today was my first day back at school. I'll only be there for two weeks, so really only for 10 days, and I've just done 1 day, so 9 left in actual fact! ..Not bad, not bad at all.

Plus I'm getting paid. I know, I know... I've been bitching and moaning about the whole money thing but I think I've been entitled to an ickle whinging here and there. Anyway, I spoke to a teacher who was in my position this time last year and she said she got paid pretty much straightaway after her pre- summer stint at the school, so good news there.

Coming back to the school was a weird feeling. Before, I'd been there as a student, not as a qualified teacher. This time around it felt a lot different. I know that this next year will be my first and most important year as an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher, or as I like to call it, Nearly Qualified Teacher), but I've made it past the most crucial and demanding stage. From here on in it gets a lot, well, not easier, but simpler. No more college work hanging over my head or any bullshit observations and targets to reach. Anything like that now counts for my professional development. Plus I know I'm there to teach , not to be a secondary figure in the classroom.

I noticed a difference in the way people treated me, not a massive difference, but definitely a feeling of acceptance into the school. It was a nice feeling, and a lot of staff were saying how nice it was to have me back. It made me feel very humbled, and I think I'm really going to enjoy the next year there both with my department and the rest of the staff and, of course, most importantly the kids.

Next Thursday I'll be going to a Year 6 parents evening where I'll get to meet the 'next generation', and also my prospective form group (Yes folks, Bonobo will be in charge of making sure some Year 7 kids have a smooth transgression into the big school). This same evening will entail introducing myself to the kids and their parents- which is only fair, as I'll be looking after them for the next X amount of years, dealing with any issues they might have and generally, acting like a strict Santa Claus.

"Detention! Ho ho ho!"

P.S. For all you muso's out there, I have a box of empty champagne bottles, a wax figure of Howard The Duck and 2 tickets to see Iron Maiden baby, for the one person who can tell me the artist and the song title of the lines of the song in my blog title above...

An extra sausage and your own body weight in freshly mown grass, if you can name the album it comes off too...

B x.

Book of the week

2004-06-27T15:31:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

I've just finished reading 'The Stainless Steel Rat' by Harry Harrison. Quite good. It would make an interesting film I think.

I'm getting a bit paranoid about books at the moment, in so much as I don't want them to ever run out.

It would be a really shit world we lived in if there were no more books ever made or if in the night all the books got up and left us. I'd be so bored, as I'm sure you would be too.

This fear of text- loss all stems from going to Turkey a few weeks back and reading all my books halfway through the holiday. I approached the whole thing far too fast and ended up with nothing to read. In Turkey, at least where we were staying there were no bookstores, no Waterstones, Ottakars or even a flippin' Woolies. At least I could have bough a magazine.

But no. I ended up reading the back of food labels and even my partners book, over her shoulder which kind of annoyed her. (Theres no 'kind' of, I irritated her to the point of madness). The 4 hour flight back was painful to say the least. I even considered writing a book to while away the hours.

I'm going to Croatia with my family in a few weeks time. This time I've collected a load of books (ammo) to take with me.

The books are on everything from the life and times of Peter Cook, some Stevie King I haven't read which is rare by god ('The Talisman', Black House'), David Nobb's Reggie Perrin books, Richard Adam's 'Shardik'(He who wrote 'Watership Down', bright eyes), some Iain Banks ('The Crow Road', 'Whit') and some Iain M. Banks ('Consider Phlebas'), Glen David Gold's 'Carter Beats the Devil', Louise Wener's 'Goodnight Steve McQueen' (-yes, her from Sleeper), 'The Grapes of Wrath' and Gao Xingjian's 'Soul Mountain'.

Now that should keep me busy.

'The Stainless Steel Rat' was part of that collection, but I've read it now so it goes in the ol' outbox...

...NEXT!!

*the sound of books being mentally devoured*

B x.

Reasons to be cheerful, 1, 2, 3, ,4 and so on

2004-06-25T18:42:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Today the sun has been out. This has led to a nationwide panic in so much as many people have become overtly cheerful.

People I previously thought of as dull, apathetic, moody, rude and arrogant have turned out to be the nicest most warmest people on the planet.

Not 2 hours ago I saw a cat and a dog in the street holding rubbing up against each other and barking/ miawing sweet nothings to each other. The clouds even decided to bugger off and let the sunshine cover our blessed country.

The sun even had an effect on me, and I began to inwardly smile, then outwardly smile until I looked like the cheshire cat that got the cream that died of curiousity.

I then began to list those things in life I am really looking forward to in the next year:

1) Seeing Brian Wilson in concert again. The last time I bought a ticket to see him, I lost the fucking ticket, the ticket that cost £50.

2) Star Wars Episode 3- oh man don't get me started.

3) Getting paid again.

4) Finally settling into a state of semi- static-ness, so I don't have to move every year or so and live out of a toilet bag (Its a biiiig toilet bag.)

5) In September the final part of Stephen King's Dark Tower series finally comes to a close. Die- hard fans of King will have been waiting a good 25 years for him to finish this saga, as he started writing it in college and now he's 50 something. Anyway, it promises to be very very good. If you want to know more read it from the start.

6) Just getting a career under my belt, and seeing where it will take me in the future.

7) some more bleedin' barbeques in the garden to really get the most out of the summer!

8) Infact going back to the Brian Wilson thing, ANY gig would be a good thing.

Ah..But then, a twinge of sadness came over me, as I thought of a few bad things, namely

the winter.
Short daylight.
The cold.
The wet.

God, its sounds like an old Hovis commercial, I'll stop there. Anyway, those are only a few bad things which are insignificant to the many wonderful other things going on. "Carpe Diem" as they say in Latin, which means Sieze the Carp in English.

Does anyone else have any reasons to be cheerful they wish to share?

B x.

p.s. Also, I still have not watched one single episode of this years Big Brother. Only through cultural osmosis have I learned there is a girl called Kitten and someone called Nadia and a bloke called Victor. And that there has been some violence recently because I saw a GMTV report on it this morning. But THATS IT. Other than that I have had no need to watch it, and I think I feel better for it.

(Loads of mates have said this years has been the best because theres been boobs in it. ...Batshit!)

Chris Rea's Rhea Career in Korea

2004-06-25T15:14:00.000+01:00

Consonant reader,

Next week I begin work. Proper work. Not work of the unpaid kind. Not 'smile-through-it' but-don't get-paid' work. Not any kind of voluntary work in any way, in any shape and certainly in no friggin' form. I, Bonobo, qualified teacher (O praise be) will finally be working for a wage.

Just say it. Go on, say it. Say the word 'wage'. Go on. Wage. W-A-G-E. Even sounds nice doesn't it? So, finally it comes to pass I will be rewarded for my efforts. And yes I will get paid.

Unfortunately, as if to shit on my lovely parade and piss on my bowl of Golden Grahams, there is a catch. The whole 'being paid' thing, the signing of the contracts, the filling out of your payment details into the relevant boxes (Account number- oof yummy, sort code- mmm, bring it on!) have not yet been finalised. With some jobs, the schools want you badly enough that they will spring the contract on you there and then, on the day of the interview. With me, I suppose because I'd already been there as a student, they knew I wasn't going anywhere else and so haven't really pushed the whole 'Lets make sure Bonobo gets paid straightaway' thang.

So, I am getting paid for this gig next week, but just not... instantly. I might have to wait another flucking season before I can see my rewards.

*SIGHS*

This means as well as soon as schools ends, I'm going to have to find a summer job, painting yachts or mowing lawns or taking cats for walks or combing trees or sweeping streets or delivering milk or (hang on, thats a milkman, right?) cleaning bowling balls. Any one of these jobs could be my domain pretty soon. Who knows, I might like it so much, I may keep at it and throw this teaching malarkey in the bin!

Doubt it though.

B x.

(P.S. The blog title just sounded funny when read back- but has little if absolutely no relevance to anything listed above.)

A week of getting roasted

2004-06-23T16:43:00.000+01:00

I'm back from the holiday I neglected to tell you all about! Ha ha! They don't call me "All the facts" Bonobo for nothing!

I've spend all of last week in Turkey in the lovely coastal resort of Marmaris. It was a very hot weel but I enjoyed it immensely. I've kept a diary (Its not weird, honest, I've done it lots of times when I've been abroad) about the shenanigans and will transcribe it when I'm more arsed.

Tired, over exposed to sun, wanting bed.

Yours not writing a lot, B x.

I can only disappoint you...

2004-06-12T07:16:00.000+01:00

My teaching course.. Well, we all knew it would finish like this...

Let me explain. Yesterday was THE last day of the course, which essentially means if no-one has told you otherwise, you've passed and become a teacher. Cool daddio, no problems there.

The sad fact is, us as students, and the rest of the college to some degree (scuse the pun) have been mucked around by the powers that be. For instance, at the start of our 2nd year, the year that we go into schools, do some teaching, y'know, the year that is actually all about teaching, we were all told very plainly we needed to keep as much evidence as possible of our time at school. This would include meticulous lesson plans, self critical lesson evaluations and lesson observatios by various tutors, mentors and other teachers of note.

On top of that we had a fair amount of hoops to jump through in terms of keeping a development file of our own professional practices within teaching. So, over 2 placements, thats 19 weeks (6 weeks, then 13 weeks) of placements, teaching in umpteen schools around the country we were all keeping a record of our time, writing down everything we could to provide as much evidence as we possibly could.

Yesterday we had to come back to our college (Location will remain anonymous for now..) to show all our evidence. Bear in mind this is on a Friday. And there were students who had their placements in fucking Cornwall! We get into college, ready to go through hours of files and discussion. And our tutor just said he didn't need to see half the stuff we had brought in. A quick glance and then he ticked us off.

It was the biggest anti- climax I think I've ever experienced.

My tutor, it has to be, is the living example of 'unprofessional'. Each month, he has to send e-mail confirmation to the college that everyone is still on the course, in order for our loans to be paid automatically into our accounts. Money that us students are dependant upon. If he doesn't do this, instead of a BACS payment, the payment arrives in the form of a cheque, and is sent to our registered address. Now for those of us who are living away for our placements, its going to be a right pain in the arts to go and collect it, right? Plus the fact that there's little time to pay one of these bad boys in during the week because, ironically we're all working for peanuts.

Our tutor has done this three times, once last year and then, last month and this month. At the most crucial time in our student life, he decides to fuck up- twice.

A fellow student was told the chief examiner was coming to observe her. Panic stricken, she phoned out tutor to tell him he was coming, so that he could offer her advice, maybe even know what day he was coming, time of visit etc. .. She phoned up and found out he had booked the day off and was busy watching Venus travel across the line of the sun, getting drunk at 8.30 in the fucking morning!

Now he can make time to look after himself, yet still fuck up and mess up everyone else lives by not arranging a so simple thing such as sending an e-mail! For fucks sake the man needs to go.

I like him, don't get me wrong, he's a nice chap. But he uses this niceness to cloud the fact that he is inept at his job. And it shows. Every student who has ever had him, be it teachers I've met who were in the same course a year above me, or other teachers who have heard of him, react in much the same way.

Its sickening.

(Sorry, this rant will end soon)

Also, one of the students on our course was FAILED yesterday, he was told that his placement scool had decided to fail him. Now this student is good, and I mean good. I went on interview with him, and he got the job in the end. But, he was failed. No word of warning, no areas for concern and imporvement- no, they didn't think his face fitted and he was given a real raw deal at his placement at school and they just said right at the very end- you've failed. 2 years, up in smoke...

Yet another student of our course, who blatantly laid out at the start of the course 2 years ago he was only doing this because he wanted to remain a student for as long as possible, and who began copying other students (students who didn't know any better) work in order to pass certain assignment, decided to take skiving to a whole new level. After getting a lift in the mornings to his placement school, he would simply walk away and not tun up to lesson. His day was spent in the knowledge that it had looked as though he had been ready to go to school but all the while he had taken the day off.

He did this for 2 weeks until the school phoned up and asked the college where he was. Upon being rumbled he went back to school, but carried on copying peoples work to get ahead. Now, the justice of this whole educational system has got to the point where a slimy bastard like the one described can pass whereas the other student failed for a matter that was probably only really a personal thing between a very grumpy tutor who just wanted to fail him for the hell of it. There's no-one regulating this kind of behaviour in teacher training- anyone tutor can pass or fail any student if they wanted to..

So.. the whole course have decided to write a letter, sign it, and hand it into the powers that be, because its gone way too far.

Which is why yesterday, with all of these matters accumulated, led to everyone very much disenchanted with the whole experience, or should I say, ordeal?

(Phew- thanks for listening!)

Lord on high would you look at the boy now...

2004-06-08T21:47:00.000+01:00

Its been a good two fucking years, and I'm sorry to swear but christ I feel its shitting right to cuss at this point.. Two whole years of living without a regualr wage, two years of being teased, yes teased by your mates asking when you're going to get a new job, watching people carry on in life , living and getting paid as well, two years of doubt 50 % of the time, and more doubt the rest of the time..

Two years of having to work in schools as an observer and then as an unpaid lackey doing the job of a teacher who just sits down in the corner surfing the fucking internet while you teach their class, two years of financial oblivion, never knowing if your next loan payment will be paid into your account directly or if the college have messed up and sent a cheque to your home address.. two years of.. I could go on.

Well the whole point to this rant is to saaay, that this Thursday is the last day of unpaid dogsbody work for myself. Any work after this day will be paid and I will feel more like a teacher than a volunteer. I know it feels good, I can feel it already. And all I want to do now is to try and 'live' like anyone else.

Does this make me sound like I'm getting old? I suppose so, but I'm sick of moving about, of living my life out of a toilet bag. I've been doing that since November. I want to settle down now and begin 'living'.

.. Right.. thats the rant over with. Now, "Where the fuck have you been?" may have just escaped your lips, well, like most bloggers at this time of year I've been outside in the glorious sun. The act of blogging is usually a very indoorsy affair and therefore I think it does put a lot of people off, but anyway, I'm doing this at night when its just right to do so.

"What happened to your old site?"- I accidentally killed it, got mad and deleted it. Never matter, its like when a snake sheds its skin, I'm just peelin' baby.

"What have I been up to?"- travelling around the country, getting on with work, worrying about more work I need to do when I'm typing out my feckin' blog and generally lovin' it.

How is everyone else? Give me a sign there is love in the universe, tonight...

(And I haven't seen one episode of BB yet, trying to avoid the cursed programme)...

B x.